(but I'm starting to remember why I almost had an accident with an entire bottle of ibuprofen in my senior year of high school. Thank the gods I've got RH to keep keep me more grounded than my teenaged self).
Somebody actually called me to make sure I wasn't dead, I hadn't updated or been seen online in so long. So here's the short version.
* working diagnosis: fibromyalgia. I have tendinitis in both forearms so bad the swelling is visible nearly up to my elbows. I have bursitis in both hips and every other pain point associated with fibromyalgia. Today, my lower back aches in a way that means a spasm is starting. (I know this because it's the third go-round). Started right after I found out my job was fucked. Too broken to work, but not broken enough to be on disability. And my doctor can't see me again until December.
* complicating factor: anxiety attacks. The good kind featured in the Sopranos, where you can't breathe and you pass out unless you get your head between your knees really fast. Why? The job.
* dreams: shot at last night; tornadoes the night before that. I pull very little rational out of my dreams, but what I do is consistent. Tornadoes mean stress, great change, or both in my waking world. Psycho dreams (shot, stabbed, military service in ancient Rome, plague, etc.) indicate great stress in the world around me.
* the job: fucked, fucked, and fucked. Did I mention fucked? I work for company C, which contracts me to company B, which does IT for company A, the parent company of my actual workplace, where they love me. Company A fired company B and is hiring company D, instead. Company D chose not to take half the staff in our department, and company A walked them off site. We've been at half-staff, and the new sub-contractors company D brought in aren't remotely trained after only ten days. They don't even have computers they're allowed to use. Company D has already transitioned in my new boss, leaving us with exactly two techs to do the job of six.
Company B is screaming at us because we're getting behind. Company D is screaming at me because I drove my I9 to a Pennsylvania location instead of a New York one and didn't do it on their timetable. (And by *I*, I mean *we*--RH and I both had to take half a day off work, because I can't drive long distances right now due to the tendinitis). The local company can't find physical space for all the untrained butts Company D has hired to sit in chairs during ramp-up. My contract through company C ends next Tuesday. And now, company B is telling us to tell the local company that we won't do certain things for company A because we're so far behind it's hitting them in their pocketbook.
And the local company hasn't any authority to hire me directly.
I'm about ready to walk in to the CIO of the local company, tell him that company C is pink-slipping me next Tuesday, at which time I'll be unemployed, because I'm too busy doing my damn job
to take time out (and ask RH to take time out) to deliver an I9 to a distant location for a second time. So if they want to retain me, either the local company or company A needs to make me a direct offer. Or company B needs to make me one that comes with a senior tech title, a senior tech pay grade, or both. Because company B has low-balled me something fierce, and there are no other options in this area and this economy.
I do not get paid enough to do this to myself. I need to stop before I end up in a room with no doorknob on the inside. And at a certain point, bosses need to be told to go stick it. I've had to do this twice in my career to this point. Each time, it's resulted in increased respect, and once, in a significant pay raise. I think the CIO is that kind of fellow . . . but he's not the one in control. So I have a council-of-war with my outgoing team lead and my incoming team lead this morning, where they try to convince me I have some other option. Oh, that's not technically what it's for, but that's what'll happen.
I need not to hurt for awhile. I live the job. Whether I want to or not, whether I mean to or not. And I'm tired of being shat on because of it.