Signals
I had a vexing experience this evening. I went to a small gathering at my parents' house. They sing in the Tucson Symphony Orchestra Chorus, and when their season ended today, they invited any of the chorus members to come over for a get-together. Probably fifteen or sixteen did. They also invited some friends who had been in the audience, and me.
One young gentleman was paying more attention to me than was reasonable. Note, I don't say "more than I'd like," because I'm not comfortable with attention at all in certain circumstances. He wasn't overt enough about it that I could be blunt, and I guess my subtle signals were too subtle for him.
I ended up avoiding him. Staying in the other room. Looking at whoever was speaking in the conversation, instead of him. Leaning up against the corner of the room so that no one could stand beside me. I kept seeing him watching me out of the corner of my eye. I kept waiting for him to leave. He left last of all. He told my parents, "Thank you for having us over. You have a lovely house. And a lovely daughter."
I had to stop and ask myself if I'd have been so uncomfortable, and so vexed if I were single. And I feel better that the answer is "yes." One of the reasons for my long single-ness is that I seem to give off the wrong signals. Nice young men--and occasionally women, I've since concluded--always read me as "not interested, please don't notice me." The only ones who ever paid that kind of attention to me were the creeps who couldn't see or ignored my sub-vocal signals.
At least I'm predictable.
One young gentleman was paying more attention to me than was reasonable. Note, I don't say "more than I'd like," because I'm not comfortable with attention at all in certain circumstances. He wasn't overt enough about it that I could be blunt, and I guess my subtle signals were too subtle for him.
I ended up avoiding him. Staying in the other room. Looking at whoever was speaking in the conversation, instead of him. Leaning up against the corner of the room so that no one could stand beside me. I kept seeing him watching me out of the corner of my eye. I kept waiting for him to leave. He left last of all. He told my parents, "Thank you for having us over. You have a lovely house. And a lovely daughter."
I had to stop and ask myself if I'd have been so uncomfortable, and so vexed if I were single. And I feel better that the answer is "yes." One of the reasons for my long single-ness is that I seem to give off the wrong signals. Nice young men--and occasionally women, I've since concluded--always read me as "not interested, please don't notice me." The only ones who ever paid that kind of attention to me were the creeps who couldn't see or ignored my sub-vocal signals.
At least I'm predictable.
posted by Journey | 11:01 PM
1 Comments:
As you currently have a boyfriend, you can do what Susie Bright termed "Making Sexism Work For You": bring along a male presence for that extra bit of authority in awkward situations.
In cases like this, the male presence need not actually be there. Casually inserting comments like, "Oh yeah, my boyfriend likes those," or "That reminds me of an anecdote my boyfriend told me..." tend to be very effective attention-deflectors.
Yes, it is the coward's way out. But if you have a lot of trouble dealing with stuff like that, I say don't be afraid to use it.
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