suffocating under the weight of empty words
I suffer from borderline clinical depression. Generally, just knowing about it is enough to help me pick myself up when I start sliding down that slope into a truly black funk. However, sometimes things hurt me deeply, and it sneaks up on me.
Tonight, I hit another point of wanting to quit the Fool's Moon project. Because I seem to be the only one taking it seriously, including the owner. In retrospect, it turns out that he had external factors which require me to cut him some slack, and I have no quarrel with that. RL comes first, emergencies especially. Fortunately, everybody's okay.
When I thought about quitting, I wondered what I'd do with my evenings. With my spare time. Hell, I could go on hiatus. And, given the way my brain is configured right now, I'd want to spend the time trying to meet people, still searching for someone to marry and raise children with.
Unfortunately, this train of thought spiraled (as such things do when you're already sliding downhill) inexorably into the fact that the people I've been interested in are mainly taken or not interested back. And the people who are interested in me have mainly been not interested enough to take any leaps of faith. Some days, I feel like they won't even meet me halfway, though this may be unfair. Some of them are impossibilities for logical reasons that have nothing to do with feeling. Some of them have, quite frankly, scared me.
I have been told I'm going to make some man very happy some day until I want to scream and hit things. I'm realizing that anger is a coping mechanism on my part. If I tear away the anger and see what's really underneath, I find I'm on the edge of a crying jag.
I'm scared. Logically, rationally, I'm scared. Scared because I don't feel like I can live the rest of my life like this. And at the moment, I feel like I don't have any other choices. And this led the thought of suicide to cross my mind for the first time in ten years. Third time in my life (the first two kind of told me there was a problem). Mind you, this does not mean I'm contemplating any such thing. Just . . . my thoughts went there for a stolen moment that made me feel eighteen again. And I hate it.
Depression feels like being slowly smothered under a thick, black, too-warm blanket.
And on the heels of this, a friend of mine reminded me of someone we both knew seven years ago. Someone else who fell in love with a character I once played. My friend teased that it was all my fault for portraying characters that people fall in love with.
On the one hand, I'm famous for saying "don't mistake me for my characters." That drives me nuts. I don't put up with a lot of the shit some of them have.
On the other hand, I'm really, bleedingly tired of people falling in love with my characters . . . and not me.
No sympathy comments, please. They make it worse.
Tonight, I hit another point of wanting to quit the Fool's Moon project. Because I seem to be the only one taking it seriously, including the owner. In retrospect, it turns out that he had external factors which require me to cut him some slack, and I have no quarrel with that. RL comes first, emergencies especially. Fortunately, everybody's okay.
When I thought about quitting, I wondered what I'd do with my evenings. With my spare time. Hell, I could go on hiatus. And, given the way my brain is configured right now, I'd want to spend the time trying to meet people, still searching for someone to marry and raise children with.
Unfortunately, this train of thought spiraled (as such things do when you're already sliding downhill) inexorably into the fact that the people I've been interested in are mainly taken or not interested back. And the people who are interested in me have mainly been not interested enough to take any leaps of faith. Some days, I feel like they won't even meet me halfway, though this may be unfair. Some of them are impossibilities for logical reasons that have nothing to do with feeling. Some of them have, quite frankly, scared me.
I have been told I'm going to make some man very happy some day until I want to scream and hit things. I'm realizing that anger is a coping mechanism on my part. If I tear away the anger and see what's really underneath, I find I'm on the edge of a crying jag.
I'm scared. Logically, rationally, I'm scared. Scared because I don't feel like I can live the rest of my life like this. And at the moment, I feel like I don't have any other choices. And this led the thought of suicide to cross my mind for the first time in ten years. Third time in my life (the first two kind of told me there was a problem). Mind you, this does not mean I'm contemplating any such thing. Just . . . my thoughts went there for a stolen moment that made me feel eighteen again. And I hate it.
Depression feels like being slowly smothered under a thick, black, too-warm blanket.
And on the heels of this, a friend of mine reminded me of someone we both knew seven years ago. Someone else who fell in love with a character I once played. My friend teased that it was all my fault for portraying characters that people fall in love with.
On the one hand, I'm famous for saying "don't mistake me for my characters." That drives me nuts. I don't put up with a lot of the shit some of them have.
On the other hand, I'm really, bleedingly tired of people falling in love with my characters . . . and not me.
No sympathy comments, please. They make it worse.
posted by Journey | 10:15 PM
3 Comments:
I still think you & Erik would make a good couple. But I have to go away in order for that to happen. I think its time he stopped being a butterfly, and fly like an eagle. Maby the two of you can complete each other in a world of harmony and peacefullness that both of you are looking for. Perhaps the Gods will tell us the right path to go so we can all find happiness.
Blessed Be from Simply the Turtle "Moonwave"
Hon, why do you keep trying to pair your husband up with me? What's wrong with this picture?
You've more or less asked me before of I had designs on your husband, I keep telling you that the answer is no, and I never have. It's coming up on ten years, now--when are you going to believe me?
As a reminder, my even talking to Erik resulted in you or whatever thing was haunting you completely and consistantly freaking out. Such that he and I mutually stepped away from each other so as not to provoke that. I lost a good friend in the process.
I am not looking for someone to complete me. How am I incomplete? I'm a whole person looking to spend her life with another whole person.
That's why let more of yourself show through, even when in those characters. There is a lot to love about you and I truly am surprised that more people don't see it.
I'd say more (like about our past) but that could be too close to sympathy territory.
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