On the practice of fear.
"Last night, as I lay sleeping here
Some What-Ifs crawled into my ear
And danced and partied all night long
And sang their same old "what-if" song."
--Shel Silverstein
That's what it's like. That repetitive internal monologue of self-doubt. What if I'm not good enough to get hired anywhere else? What if I get fired and have to go make $9/hour on a phone and I can't pay my bills? What if everyone is secretly looking at me like I'm evil because I dared to tell an unlovely truth? It's all about fear.
Then, when the anxiety attacks started, not only was it rational fears, or irrational fears having some basis in reality, but I started to be afraid that I'd never get rid of the panic attacks. And of course, that would send me into one. The fear of being out of control. The fear of fear itself, as it were.
I choose not to live in fear, but it's hard. The same way I choose to go to work day after day, in an environment that's not intolerable only because I tell myself I will keep tolerating it as long as I have to. There's a moment in Batman Begins where Bruce Wayne lets the bats fly all around him and stands there, in the middle of fear. I find it's easier to face that kind of external fear. But ultimately, all fear is internal. There may be external triggers, but fear is the process in the brain, the chemicals released by the adrenals, and the body's urge to fight or flee.
When denied, I'm told that last is what results in panic attacks. All that adrenaline and no place to go. Because upper management is not a tiger or a landslide that one can out-fight or outrun.
I used to live in fear. I was very good at it. My father encouraged me, because he knew all about the evils of the world. I'm one of three people I know who instantly knew what the Bene Gesserit litany against fear was, and one of two who have it memorized.
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will allow it to pass over and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain." --from Frank Herbert's Dune series
It's not the kind of thing that's easy to memorize. Only, sometimes, necessary. I choose not to live in fear. Only, at the moment, it's proving damnably difficult to emigrate.
Some What-Ifs crawled into my ear
And danced and partied all night long
And sang their same old "what-if" song."
--Shel Silverstein
That's what it's like. That repetitive internal monologue of self-doubt. What if I'm not good enough to get hired anywhere else? What if I get fired and have to go make $9/hour on a phone and I can't pay my bills? What if everyone is secretly looking at me like I'm evil because I dared to tell an unlovely truth? It's all about fear.
Then, when the anxiety attacks started, not only was it rational fears, or irrational fears having some basis in reality, but I started to be afraid that I'd never get rid of the panic attacks. And of course, that would send me into one. The fear of being out of control. The fear of fear itself, as it were.
I choose not to live in fear, but it's hard. The same way I choose to go to work day after day, in an environment that's not intolerable only because I tell myself I will keep tolerating it as long as I have to. There's a moment in Batman Begins where Bruce Wayne lets the bats fly all around him and stands there, in the middle of fear. I find it's easier to face that kind of external fear. But ultimately, all fear is internal. There may be external triggers, but fear is the process in the brain, the chemicals released by the adrenals, and the body's urge to fight or flee.
When denied, I'm told that last is what results in panic attacks. All that adrenaline and no place to go. Because upper management is not a tiger or a landslide that one can out-fight or outrun.
I used to live in fear. I was very good at it. My father encouraged me, because he knew all about the evils of the world. I'm one of three people I know who instantly knew what the Bene Gesserit litany against fear was, and one of two who have it memorized.
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will allow it to pass over and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain." --from Frank Herbert's Dune series
It's not the kind of thing that's easy to memorize. Only, sometimes, necessary. I choose not to live in fear. Only, at the moment, it's proving damnably difficult to emigrate.
posted by Journey | 9:20 PM
1 Comments:
"Fear is the mind killer..." I remember that from the Dune movie, the David Lynch one. I used to say it to myself now and then.
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Fear of fear... Ultimately, I think your competence will get you through this. It helps to practice something centering like meditation... I'm sure you have your own thing. But if my experience is a guide (big assumption, I know) your competence will rise above all the other concerns, and neutralize them, in a situation that suits YOUR competence.
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Best wishes for you.
--durangodave
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